the daily practice

This morning I woke with a fever and sore throat and that horrible lung congestion that feels like catarrh and always comes after I've had a drink. In this case, I'd had two glasses of wine at my sister's three days ago and haven't been getting much sleep at all and the symptoms had been slowly coming on since Wednesday. Here it is, Saturday morning, and I had to bail on plans with a friend. Again. I hate cancelling on friends, especially last minute like I did this morning.

I got to thinking about what I could be doing to change this pattern of mine--of going out and doing everything I want until I reach the point of collapse and then bailing on all plans at the last minute, sleeping for days and then going out and doing everything I want until I get sick again--and it's so obvious but I resent it so much that I haven't been able to see it. I need to consider getting well and taking care of myself a daily practice. In the way that I write daily and meditate daily, I need to make those choices to keep me well daily. Yea, it was just two glasses of wine on Wednesday night but I know that that sends my health plummeting within hours.

Its the same for people with chronic injuries. I used to assist in the athletic training department at Hunter College and these kids who were playing sports would come in right after they'd been injured and then never follow up with either the exercises we gave them or with appointments--until right before a big game or meet, when they'd come bursting into the office, demanding that we fix them right then, they had a game in three hours. It drove me crazy, both how these kids treated their bodies and their expectations of us. and yet, it's essentially how I have been treating myself. I am burned out on taking care of myself, of feeling always on the edge of getting sick again, of never quite being able to step into the life I want to live for fatigue and a vague sense of unwell. It comes down to this: to the choices I make daily, to making the choices that I need to make to keep myself well and getting better every day instead of justifying them with, it's just one glass of wine, or, I'll be fine not sleeping tonight. It's not easy but the alternative sucks.